War in Iraq, a Soldier's View

A crazy sand-storm hits, many news sources say it's one of the most powerfull to hit the country in decades. For me it's a chance to spend alot of time thinking to myself and pondering my place in life and how I got where I am.

I spend so much time on the laptop that I run the battery down in on sitting, about 4 hours (pretty good for a laptop). This was when I learned that writing your thoughts down helps get them out of your head; many of the questions I asked myself here I had been asking for months, but after this sitting I didn't think of them much again.

25-Mar-03 5:21 PM
<Slightly modified to keep REALLY personal thoughts private>

Well I’ll try getting as much typing in as possible, the generator is off due to a huge sandstorm right now so I’ll type till the battery warning comes up.

This sandstorm is insane; it started about 10am and hasn’t let up yet. Visibility is about 20ft at the best of times and 3ft at the worst, wind speed is about 45-50 MPH. The dust is choking literally I thought I could get by without a dust mask but now I’m hacking up with a dry throat so I decided to get into the C&E shop and keep the door shut to keep the dust down. But since there is no power to the shop I just sit in the dark listening to music, that’s why I decided to start writing.

My thoughts are all over the place, but mostly of me being at home… what is it about the dark that makes the mind wander aimlessly? It seems I’m asleep, my thoughts are so vivid they’re like dreams but I’m still wake listening to music because when one of my favorite songs comes on I start tapping my toes to the beat subconsciously.

I’ve been thinking of my friends at home and girls. Not in the way you’re thinking although I have been out here for near 5 months and my mind does wander to “that” quite often. No today I’m thinking of a girl back home I really like. I’ve been thinking of her on this trip a lot more than I thought I would. See we really don’t see each other that much. We’ve hung out only a few other times before over the course of the last 3 years but I remember each time and every day after I think about how much I enjoyed being with her. I guess that’s one of the reasons that I’ve been thinking about her. I also regret more than anything letting her slip through my fingers each one of those times, and it’s not like I can’t easily get in contact with her, all my friends know her, I could easily get her number. But still I chicken out every time I want to get her number or ask her out. That’s one of the things you do most out her waiting for war, think of all your past regrets and mistakes, she probably has no idea how I feel about her. I feel ashamed I’m thinking about her so much being that we hardly spend any time together, what am I some kind of stalker? I meet a girl 5 times not as a date just hanging out as friends and she’s all I think about when I’m away from home?

I guess the only redeeming reason that makes it ok is that I don’t think about her in a sexual way (well I do some times but she is VERY attractive), I just think about being with her as a companion. I’ve been single long enough to realize that a good relationship isn’t about sex; it’s not even about being with somebody that you can spend the rest of your life with. I could probably stand being around certain friends of mine who are guys for the rest of my life if I had to, but it doesn’t mean I want to marry them.

She’s different, when I imagine me and her I think she’s the type of person that is my compliment in every way. For me that's what REAL love is; somebody that when they’re around you, you feel like a better person, and you know that they feel the same. Somebody that becomes your every reason to live, and you know that the only thing worthwhile in their life is you.

Now here in Iraq I’m surrounded by 16 other people that I can’t get any privacy from and I’m still lonely.

More regret.

When I get home I’m not going to wait though, the first few nights I’ll probably spend with my family but I’m going to make sure to call her within the first week of being home.

But then comes a whole set of questions, has she gotten married since I’ve been gone? Is she in a serious relationship with someone and not want anything to do with me? Has she ever felt the way a bout me that I do about her? Did I miss my chance that last time I saw her? She said she had a “serious friend” that she was seeing but I shouldn’t have let that stop me. If she is still free and miraculously wants to see me will we even have anything in common? Every time I’m with her we talk and she’s so intelligent and funny and it seems like our minds think exactly alike, but maybe that was just a fluke and we’ll never have anything to talk about.

I’ll try anyway though, I’ve been regretting not asking her out for years now, even I get shot down, even if it doesn’t work out I NEED to take the chance, if only to be able to move on with my life.

That brings up another question, what if I spend all this time thinking about her and I end up with somebody else that I know. Would I feel like I’m cheating right now thinking of another girl? If I meet a new girl after I get home all of this could be excusable because I didn’t know her before I left, but what about the other girls I’ve had close relationships to before I left? There are a lot of other friends that I could seriously think of being with. What if I end up with them? And I should have spent all this time thinking that THEY were my perfect partner? How would I explain all spending all of my time thinking about another girl that I actually know less?
Would I explain it?

I doubt that this part of the journal will end up on the net or any where but on this computer not just to avoid that situation but also to avoid letting people know my innermost feelings.
<Edit to add: Names have been dropped and a few paragraphs taken out>

Why does the dark make me think like this?
Why do I ask so many questions in the dark?

Oh well I enjoy the time here. I’ve sitting in here for 6 hours now and I love it. I finally got the privacy I’ve wanted for 5 months. And I actually feel like I’m somewhere else.

I’m not at war, I’m at home or where ever else I want to be.

I don’t think about being hit by a SCUD or killed in a gas attack, I forget that this may be one of the last days I spend alive. I just listen to music and relax.

6:44 PM

Well now my mind’s done wondering, I’m done philosophizing about what will happen when I get back home and I’m back to realizing I’m stuck in Iraq.

The wind outside is howling, I don’t want to leave the relative cleanliness of my shop. I’ve spent most of the day here doing nothing and I want do something, but not bad enough to brave the sandstorm. I’m just so sick of being dirty, and I can’t take a “shower” till the sand stops. Thank god my hair is still kind of clean, it bothered me driving out here because it got more sticky with sweat and dust for three days, now it’s kind of soft again but I’ve been making sure to keep a hat on out in the wind so it won’t get so full of dirt. But I need to clean up. I can feel the grit of dirt on my chest when I move and my crotch is so sweaty I think I’ll have to burn my boxers when I take them off (sorry to be so vivid but you have NO IDEA how dirty this sand makes you). The dust is making my throat hurt, I feel liking coming down with a sore throat. I hope it goes away when the sandstorm subsides.

But will it and when?

I hope I don’t have to sleep through this; the last straw will be sleeping in a gritty sleeping bag. Even covering up with my rain poncho and MOPP jacket won’t keep this sand out. Right now I have my poncho over my bag and pillow but everywhere that’s leeward of the wind has a pile of 1 inch deep sand next to it.

I can’t wait till this week's over and we can move forward to the airbase. There’s a rumor going around that the airbase has hangars and building which means it might have running water and power, and we’ll at least have a place to get out of the sand.

Funny how important the VERY little things in life become when you don’t have them.
At Arifjan we knew we had it good but I was sick of the conditions there too. Now that place would seem like a 5 star hotel.

I can’t wait to go home.